The Art of Doubt

By Christine Johnson

She was gazing up at the sky, a cigarette between her teeth, watching as the smoke drifted aimlessly off into the night sky. With half lidded eyes and barely coherent thoughts, she murmured to herself; “What the bloody hell am I doing?” This girl was me, asking the very same question I’ve come to ask myself nearly every day. The seed of doubt and woe implants itself, waiting for you to give it the time of day so it can begin to grow. People say that this isn’t normal, but it is. Self-doubt in and of itself is a completely normal, rational thing that nearly everyone on this earth has experienced at least once in their life, and I’m here to tell you that it’s absolutely alright. Being yourself, in a sea of expectations and images telling you what you should be, is actually okay.

People take furtive glances at others and assume judgments upon what they see immediately. It’s human nature, and with the recent societal expectations to have a job or to go to college or to be sufficiently independent by the age of 18, we come to just expect someone to know exactly what’s happening and why they’re doing something. The CEO of that large company has it all figured out because they run the company. That college student knows exactly what they want to do with their life because they’re an upperclassman.  That mother has three children, so she must be a mother who knows what to do when her children begin to cry; but in actuality, people have completely no idea what they’re doing. That CEO could have just been presented with bankruptcy, that college student might be struggling to find a major, and that mother could be very close to a stress point with her upset child. All three of those people have self-doubt about themselves and situations, despite their positions in their lives where they’re just expected to know, and they also expect themselves to know. It’s an unrealistic idea to just think that a person is supposed to understand every situation or to have their entire life planned out down to every last painstaking detail. When inquired upon, they’re supposed to be able to answer every question with confidence and complete understanding. They’re not supposed to falter, to stutter, or to remain quiet in thought.

Society has pushed this idea down upon us, especially in the youth. You have to know your major, your profession, have all your credentials, an aesthetically pleasing car, a significant other, play a sport, be social, academically successful and, eventually, successful in your chosen field. But how is this something that everyone can do? How are you supposed to experience new things, to learn, to grow, and for all that is holy be happy? It’s completely ludicrous, and it’s no wonder we begin to compare ourselves to others and find that seed of self-doubt embedding deep inside of us. Although it doesn’t feel it, this seed of doubt is normal. These feelings that you may feel are things everyone else feels, too. A study conducted at Stanford proved the severity of how badly these feelings can really start to impact a student or person’s life. So much so, that the research stated that “the belief that intelligence is ‘fixed’ was predictive of fewer achievement goals, greater helplessness attributions and poorer self-reported academic grades…” In other words, when comparing you to others, this idea that you aren’t good enough or that you don’t measure up to the intellectual expectation spells out this fear and leads to poor results in almost everything you do. However, once you really come to terms and understand that you aren’t the only one taking all these risks or throwing themselves into new environments in hopes of growing, these negative thoughts and unhealthy feelings start to fade.

For quite some time, I honestly thought that I understood what I was going to be doing with my life. I had a boyfriend whom I loved and cherished for five years and even called a fiancé at some point, a healthy family unit of three, good grades, a job, a license, and I had recently been accepted into the college I wanted to attend. I wanted to be a doctor of some sorts, to make money and lead a happier life than one I had experienced in childhood. I was going to make something of myself. I was ahead for my age; but just when you feel you really have a grip on things, everything suddenly does a 180. I lost the man I loved, my family unit grew toxic, my job was lost and suddenly I walked into the doors of college and found myself lost and utterly terrified. I would wake up sick to my stomach so I couldn’t eat and look at the people around me, seeming confident in their statures and holding the bright eyes that were locked on their future – the futures they had planned for themselves. I stood in the middle of that plaza and felt something I hadn’t felt in years. Self-doubt.

Self-doubt is one of the biggest roots of many peoples’ problems. It’s a consuming idea that makes you compare yourself to others and takes up all of your time, energy, and happiness, until there’s nothing left. The worst thing about it is that there really is no need for it. It’s something that has come about because of the societies we have built, with all the magazines and articles and celebrities that are broadcasted on our fluorescent screens and mile-long billboards.

We’re conditioned to think there’s something wrong with us, or that we should be like other people instead of ourselves, simply because those people are well known and deemed successful. Success, however, is relative, and defined by the Oxford dictionary as, “NOUN; the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.” What someone else’s purpose is could be completely different from someone else’s. What something thinks is hard to achieve, such as understanding a language, can be second nature to others. The idea of success is malleable and can be whatever someone deems it to be, but what we as a society views it as is Oxford’s secondary definition, “the attainment of fame, wealth, or social status.” Unfortunately, people have a tendency to hone in on this one definition that appears widely accepted, and run with it until it kills them. This is something that just isn’t true. When you learn to stop comparing and to stop worrying about the judgment of others, your self-doubt goes away. It feels like you shed a second skin and become liberated from this clutching hold that has held you so tightly. You can finally learn to grow and become what you want to be, and to attain what you believe is success, and you can be comfortable with that.

So turn off the TV. Close the magazine. Take a small step back and really look around you, even if that means looking inside of yourself. There’s no need for you to be like that celebrity, or even like your best friend. Why doubt yourself? You are you, and that is the best thing that you could ever ask for.