Loss

by Jovel Velez

I remember it hurt. Looking at him hurt. It was so hot in my shirt and tie. The building felt like it was on fire. My pants were still warm from being ironed. My hands were sweating and my heart was racing. The clammy feeling didn’t bother me at all like it usually does. It was all white noise. People walked by me, touching my back, saying words into my ear. Some were standing up there with me. Her head rested on my shoulder as we looked. She spoke beautiful words in her raspy voice. Words of an angel. I remember her voice and will always remember. She gripped my hand very tightly. My shoulders began to hurt. I didn’t realize how tense I was and so I slowly let them fall. In the building I smelled cold jackets and cold rain. The smell of outside and rain is so distinct. It smells fresh. It smells free. It smells real. It smells like the delicacies nature has to give. It smells like the slow drip from one leaf onto another. Everyone soaked as they bowed their heads. Singing so loud it was hard to think. We all gathered to sing like angels in celebration. Voices with such strength and such sorrow it made my hair stand up. My mouth was so dry and eyes so wet. I hated this. I hate him for this. He never said goodbye. We walked outside into the streets of Rhode Island. White houses and white buildings with chips in them and people out front sitting in silence. The loud whistle of the storm rang in my ear. The cold tears from the sky fell onto my face. It was all just one big nightmare. It was a short walk over but it felt like an eternity. The sidewalks were slippery in my dress shoes. I held her hand all the way there. We all walked up to the building. A tall brown building with rainbow glass, with that pointy top. The glass was so bright like a painting. The top of the building was so pointy it could puncture my heart. When you open the door, red carpets spread like blood spilled on the white floor. Then rows and rows of wooden seats. A marble statue of a man hoisted up on the cross stands at the very front. The smell was so warm and sweet. Like incense was burning. As the service went on and more tears fell to the floor I couldn’t take my eyes off the beautiful artwork and murals of Jesus, Mary, and God. Listening to the verses read by each family member. Now it was time for friends of the deceased. My hands started to sweat again. My throat was super dry and I was so nervous. My head felt like there was a heartbeat in it. My lungs couldn’t keep up with my words. My chest felt like it was on fire and I did not know how to start. But I just did and a smile came to my face. There are still good memories I can hold forever even though I won’t be able to see him ever again.